I will never be able to learn how to make myself happy before I make others happy. I cannot seem to grasp the simple concept that life is simple. I can't seem to make it on my own anymore when it comes to my emotions and my mental health. I need something. Anything. Before I explode.

I'm gonna start praying tonight. Because I don't think I've ever hated being alive this much. 

I want a lot of things in life. 

I want a man that can stay loyal and treat me as I should be treated. 

I want a friend who sticks up for me and trusts me with any situation. 

I want a parent that wonders if ill get better, rather than yell. 

I want a career that'll take me far from where I'm at here. 

I want a home that I make on my own. And build on my own. 

I want freedom. 

I want to be happy. 

I want to be surrounded by people that care. But I want that when I'm alive. 

Because i feel like ill only get that type of care when I'm dead. 

Dead. As a doorknob. 

That's when they'll care. 

& that's when they'll listen. 

Everyday, the battle of life & death argues with me. What's the point of it anymore? We all live to satisfy people or even ourselves knowing one day, we are gonna die & have nothing. Nothing has any meaning to me anymore. The purpose of close ties mean nothing because they will eventually be severed & bridges will be burnt. Some for reasons we don't understand. Sometimes life is questionable to me. Maybe all the time too. 

Suicide should be okay for people who feel like they live in a world where everyone hates them. 

Living in a society where you feel as if every part of you is socially awkward, is one of the most horrible feelings. Society made the choice of whether short or tall girls looked best. Ok, so I might be a few inches over 5'2. But those few inches made in so that I am not cute in the eyes of the world. Society has pictures everywhere of girls a waist measurement being around 20 inches. Again, a few extra inches made it so that I am not viewed as sexy through the eyes of society. The same concept applies to my legs and arms. My hair wont straighten on any given day and actually stay that way throughout. A woman never feels fully confident unless her hair is taken care of. Therefore, I am never fully confident because it goes up into a bun by the end of the school day. Society had made every girl want to be the same girl in terms of the types of clothes they wear, the body style they have, the way they talk, their lifestyle choices, etc. But those girls that cannot change into what's expected shouldn't have to feel socially awkward on their own fucking planet. & don't even pull that "ignore what society thinks" bullshit, because it doesnt fucking work. ever.
 So yes, I am a few inches taller than your short cute cheerleader. My waist line might be a tad thicker and my thighs might be a tad wider than most of the girls you see. I wear nice clothes, but no, I don't consider name brands to be a "necessity" in life, nor do I see carrying a big MK bag a necessity either. I dont cake on the makeup and I dont get along with most of the popular kids or the jocks around school.

Even with all these things, I know I am not part of society's attempt at creating Utopian life. I am no where close. But just like every other damn person, I do have feelings. I do have compassion. I do know what love is. I do know what friendship is.
But no matter what, someone will always find a way to make me look like someone who is cruel.

I never know what's gonna happen. Or what else is going to be put on my plate. All I know is that I have so much that I wanna give. I wanna make someone feel like they can count on me. I wanna make someone know that I care about them just as much, if not more than I do myself. I want someone to know that Im loyal. Holy shit, it'd be asking a miracle to happen for someone to simply think Im important.

I love caring about people, but sometimes I want someone to care about me.
to see if im okay
to see how its going
to see if i need help

I love taking care of people,

But sometimes i just want someone to take care of me.

beautiful mess

my heart is nothing but a mess. as it tries to find someone who it can love & take care of, someone only makes the mess a little bigger. each heartbreak leaves more & more clutter. im running out of space for love. give it some more time, there won't be any room at all.